The Honest Resume

Looking for jobs is bullshit.

 The embellishing your experience and qualities to appear like you are actually qualified and give a shit about the depressing low-level retail hell you are applying for. 

The getting dressed up and putting on make-up for a five minute interview where you try to appear like you are a bubbly and enthusiastic people-person. 

The soul-crushing feeling of being rejected for a job that is quite obviously beneath you. 

I have been lucky enough to endure months of this joy this year as I experienced a drought of employment. And so I have been thinking a lot about the politics of it all; the being overly polite and professional, of giving answers that are practically scripted, of pretending to be this ideal employee. And I thought, wouldn't it be great to just be able to be honest? Like, 'My greatest weakness is getting massive anxiety when it comes to talking to strangers. Ideal for customer service, I know'. 

This inspired me to create an honest resume. None of the bullshit, just the actual truth about my myriad terrible previous jobs. I made it to amuse my husband, friends and myself, but thought I would share it here too. So here it is (with all personal information removed for obvious reasons). I apologise for the poor formatting, it did not copy and paste well but I adjusted it as best as I could considering that I am lazy.

THE HONEST RESUME OF ME

PERSONAL DETAILS

 

Address:               *Insert address here*

Mobile:                 *Insert phone number here*

Email:                   *Insert email here*

Birthday:           I’m not telling you because I don’t want my age to influence your decision to hire me

*Please note the lack of photo because as if I would allow you to judge me on my looks*

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY

Sales Advisor

Over-priced homewares store

June 2016-Present

·        Avoiding customers

·        Hating my life

·        Pretending to look busy

·        Moving stuff that people have put in the storeroom, because it is not in the correct place EVEN THOUGH I LABELLED ALL THE SECTIONS

·        Unpacking and ticking off deliveries that have been sitting in the storeroom for days because apparently I’m the only one who does it

·        Rushing to put away the two deliveries in the storeroom because we are due to get four pallets of stock in. Everyone knew this yet did absolutely nothing about it, leaving it for me to do. 

Reason for leaving: Toxic environment, keep cutting down my shifts, want to quit before they fire me, too much focus on sales

Retail Assistant

Newsagency in Sydney shopping centre

August 2014-February 2016

• Making fun of customers
• Talking shit with the managers
• Selling ridiculous amounts of lotto to people who never win
• Suppressing rage at customers who don’t respond when you speak to them

Reason for leaving: Moved to Melbourne :’(

      Travel Consultant

Travel Agency

May 2014-July 2014

• Feeling anxious
• Crying almost daily
• Getting no support from my boss even though there is a steep learning curve and I’d been there two weeks
• Being made to feel like an idiot
• Looking up flight prices to destinations I wanted to travel to

Reason for leaving: Was practically forced out and was told ‘I could see if you could move to another store but I don’t know if they would want to take you’. Was sick of feeling anxious everyday.

       

       Retail Assistant

Gift shop

November 2013- February 2014

·        Dusting. So much dusting.

·        Gift wrapping

·        Walking around the store getting Christmas gift ideas for my family

Reason for leaving: Moved to Sydney

       Deli Assistant

Supermarket

January 2013-September 2013

·        Cutting up meat. Bleurgh.

·        Selling expensive meats to my cousin but “accidentally” labelling them as polony (devon), which is the cheapest item

·        Becoming enraged at my co-worker, who proved that said employer is definitely an equal-opportunity employer, who will hire people even though they are clearly the highest level of moron

·        Cleaning. I washed about ten million dishes

·        Being expected to close in a certain amount of time, when it actually took a shitload longer than that (see idiotic co-worker above) and not being paid for this time

Reason for leaving: They weren’t going to allow me to take my holidays that were already planned. Um, like I’m not going to go on my six week trip to Morocco and France? SEE YA. Any excuse to quit really.

Retail / Administration Assistant

Stationery and printing business

2012

·        Counting down the time until morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea and home time.

·        Having meetings with my boss where she would bring up irrelevant points. Eg. ‘So your co-worker said you’d never cleaned a toilet before?’ Um no, but I did it and didn’t complain, how is this relevant to my performance review??

·        Packing up orders to send

·        Stocktaking all the old, dusty stock

Reason for leaving: It was ‘mutual’. Essentially was having a mental breakdown at the time. My boss asked me if I could see myself working here long-term. I was like fuck no, I’m going to save up to move to Canada and I’m getting the fuck out of here. Apparently she wanted someone who wanted to work there forever? Good luck.

       Retail Assistant

Small Newsagency

2011 - 2012

·        Being bored

·        Being underpaid

·        Getting unsolicited advice from my slightly creepy boss

Reason for leaving: Got a new job

      

       Retail Assistant 

Newsagency in Victorian shopping centre

2006 - 2011

·        Stealing chocolates and scratchies

·        Serving rude and crazy people

·        Explaining to people that the best seats for that popular musical they want to see next week sold out when they went on sale like four months ago, and there’s obviously nothing good left. Fucktards.

Reason for leaving: I was told ‘We have no work for you’, even though he just hired a new person. I was essentially phased out, only being given Saturday shifts although I could work most days, etc. Bi-polar asshole.

      EDUCATION

              

2005-Completed VCE at local high school where average students went to learn nothing so that  

they could become carpenters and receptionists. What a joyful and productive time.

2011-Completed Advanced Diploma of Photography at independent university (Waste of time AND money).

2014-Completed Certificate II in Tourism at independent training academy (I actually really enjoyed this)

2016-Currently studying Certificate IV in Professional Writing and Editing. (Will hopefully help me get a job that’s unlike any of the above).

VOLUNTEER WORK

 

In 2008 I volunteered at the local vet (where I was very shy and anxious about talking to people so I eventually just stopped going.) I saw a constipated cat get its poop removed and many animals getting ‘fixed’.

I also volunteered for an organisation that assisted people with their pets (where I walked an old man’s dog.) This included avoiding the drug dealer’s house around the corner and having awkward conversations with the old man.

LICENCES

 

I hold a current Drivers Licence and own my own vehicle. I have never been in an accident yet I            am not the best driver and will intentionally avoid parking near others.

      INTERESTS

 

Travel (if I win Lotto I’m quitting ASAP, FUCKIN SEE YA)

Reading (the reason I may be late back from lunch)

Writing (I will be using any negative experiences with fellow employees and customers as                      material)

Animals

Drawing

Watching Netflix

Procrastinating like hell.

REFERENCES

 

Manager 1

Manager 2

(The best bosses I’ve ever had, always up for making fun of customers and they both drink a lot

and do many drugs haha.)

Luckily, I no longer have to apply for jobs because I got one that doesn't make me want to tear              out my eye sockets. 

Please take my complaining with a sense of humour, as I am grateful for all of these opportunities despite some of them being less than ideal. I have made some amazing friends over the years at places I have worked and have had some good times as well. I am currently studying my way to a better job but in the meantime still working in retail. Hopefully my current job will be one of the great ones and I won't have to apply for anything else ever again.